i have learnt a lot. if not for the guidance given to me and the one lie that i should conceal. i want this to work out.
he tells me i'm beautiful. he tells me im pretty. he loves me for all that i am and i am thankful for that. i dont know how i sorted out the feelings that i have been having, the many times that i wanna give up. sometimes, i hate who i am. and its amazing he loves me. for who i am.
please let him be the one
his head in my arms, his lips with the words i wanna hear.
its time to give it out?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
hold me
its hard. its going to be hard. i know it is. but i will handle it. i want to make this work. its like the future is starting to shape up.
i remember complaining about not belonging. i always felt that i dont belong. but with him, i do. i am comfortable. i am happy. but im just afraid of his many sides. i dont know if i have the courage to accept them or even the ability to accept them. i live on the idealistic side when it comes to people. i cannot deal with the ugly side of human nature except my own. if i want to love him selflessly i need to accept him for all that he is,
i dont know if its true but i tink only we can stand each other with our psychotic minds. okay psychotic is prob a hyperbole for all that is going on in our heads but we're messed up enough to kinda understand each other, we just need to learn to give and take. and also not to be so obsessed about each other. keeping track of things is what we've been doin. no one said it was going to be easy. no one ever said it would be this hard too. but no matter. i know for now, im not giving up. i know i can get thru this.
my eyes hurt, im tired. but at least i know, i dared to cry infront of him. the moment when he held me in his arms, i wished for all the pain to go away. but it didn't . but it felt really good to have him understand, to have him hold me while i cry, knowing that he promise to be there when i fall. when he promises to patch me up if i ever fall into pieces. promises that he make...though i hate promises, they just set u up for disappointment sometimes. im so afraid of the future i can only take it one step at a time. its overwhelming.
but i want to get through this. and i will achieve it with all my might.
i remember complaining about not belonging. i always felt that i dont belong. but with him, i do. i am comfortable. i am happy. but im just afraid of his many sides. i dont know if i have the courage to accept them or even the ability to accept them. i live on the idealistic side when it comes to people. i cannot deal with the ugly side of human nature except my own. if i want to love him selflessly i need to accept him for all that he is,
i dont know if its true but i tink only we can stand each other with our psychotic minds. okay psychotic is prob a hyperbole for all that is going on in our heads but we're messed up enough to kinda understand each other, we just need to learn to give and take. and also not to be so obsessed about each other. keeping track of things is what we've been doin. no one said it was going to be easy. no one ever said it would be this hard too. but no matter. i know for now, im not giving up. i know i can get thru this.
my eyes hurt, im tired. but at least i know, i dared to cry infront of him. the moment when he held me in his arms, i wished for all the pain to go away. but it didn't . but it felt really good to have him understand, to have him hold me while i cry, knowing that he promise to be there when i fall. when he promises to patch me up if i ever fall into pieces. promises that he make...though i hate promises, they just set u up for disappointment sometimes. im so afraid of the future i can only take it one step at a time. its overwhelming.
but i want to get through this. and i will achieve it with all my might.
birth and deaths
How many more cycles of birth and death do we have to go through before we reach our middle ground? before we settle into it properly?
we all have inner monsters waiting to be unleashed onto each other and we're all scared of it. we are very scared of it. we know we shouldnt but we do anyway. continue this way we will kill each other and even the relationship perhaps? or is it just a phase both of us have to go through. i dont want it to be hard. i dont.
amidst all these turmoil and pain, i still want him, im still happy with him. this didnt feel like the last time. we dun fight. we upset each other cos we want each other to be happy so much. its such a fucking irony.
please let me pass this phase well. i wont give up.
we all have inner monsters waiting to be unleashed onto each other and we're all scared of it. we are very scared of it. we know we shouldnt but we do anyway. continue this way we will kill each other and even the relationship perhaps? or is it just a phase both of us have to go through. i dont want it to be hard. i dont.
amidst all these turmoil and pain, i still want him, im still happy with him. this didnt feel like the last time. we dun fight. we upset each other cos we want each other to be happy so much. its such a fucking irony.
please let me pass this phase well. i wont give up.
Friday, July 31, 2009
8 months
its been about 8 months since i have written in. time flies so fast. its really a blink of an eye. i dunoe whose following this blog or will chance upon it.
i am no longer the lost and confused and hurt. these 8 months have been a roller coaster ride. i have grown up pretty much in these few months. i had a lot more time to think about things, talk to people and decide my own path in life. i just wanna out certain things in perspective i guess. its like im no longer that focused passionate girl i used to be. things in life bore me easily. somehow, he said that i've grown up. if being grown up feels like that, i don't tink i wanna grow up. it sucks. i cannot feel that much passion anymore but i want to. its like i've become so numb and many things are not within reach of me
i wish i could decide my own future. yes i could prob do that but nothing can stop destiny or fate. things happen and it becomes very unexpected. i cannot do anything to stop it. i can only take it as it comes. that part is probably the exciting , yet dreary one.
for these 8 months, i have experienced a death of a friend. i carry a card of her in my wallet. to remind me of the lessons she taught me, albeit a painful one. i probably regret the thoughts that i have thought yet thankful i din do the things i would do. its been about 6 months since she's gone. i remember tearing up the next day after her wake. i din know what sort of impact she would be making on me. till this day, i still miss her and think about her occasionaly. i wonder where she is and i really hope she's doing well. i want to tell her im surviving in this crazy mixed up world . and as for her, i hoped she had found her heaven.
i did a lot of theatre too for the last few months. its has been helluva ride. i got to explore more as a performer and really would want to further my crdentials in terms of theatre. its probably what keeps me alive, gives me the only burning passion in my life. theatre has saved me. in many ways that i love. i have made amazing friends, learn a lot of lessons and enjoyed myself.
i found love too recently. i never thought i would be able to walk out of the shadow but im starting to make that step. i din know how i fell in love with him, it just hit us. at first, i really didnt know whether i should be in the relationship with him and honestly, i still feel it occasionally now. its been only a month. but this month has been really amazing. we're just starting to know each other and i really dont want it to be like last time. i dun wanna falter like a coward. i dun wanna retreat everytime i see a problem coming. i dun wanna be paranoid. i dunoe how easy or difficult this relationship is going to be or how i am going to maintain it. is it worth getting into a relationship? what is the point of getting into a relationship? to feed that lonely soul of yours? to desire that touch, to experience that shudder of desire , to feel your heart beating for the person? i dont wanna be a selfish lover and i dont want him to be either. sometimes i wish so much for this work out and we would have a wonderful future together, sometimes, i just dont know if this relationship is gonna continue the way it is. we're in what people like to call the honeymoon phase. once this is over, how are things gonna change? i;m very scared of it. i don't want it to be just a short stint. just someone to tide me over this transition. i want him to be there with me, sharing a part of our lives together. eventually how we will turn out, i would really hate to think about it.
do i love him? i tink i do. how do you determine whether you love a person? is it biological, physical or emotional? or these 3 factors play a part. somebody tell me please. im really confused and i know that he loves me deep from his heart. deep or not im not really sure and its too short a time to love someone deeply in just a month. so i wouldnt see it as a problem if its not deep yet. for me? im not sure if its deep yet. i know i do love him. i wanna be there for him in his life and he cares a lot for me. i tink about him all the time and i believe he too. so is this what love is about? and physically, we cant get enough of each other. theres a lot of physical loving going on. is it right? and i dont even know if i should keep pushing my physical boundaries with him. im scared that i will go too far. there's a monster inside me i believe, waiting to be unleashed. when i unleashed it onto him, i dont want him to be too scared. in a physical and emotional sense. i know he has a inner monster too. and i dont know how to handle it. i have too many questions now.
guess the only while is to grapple with it and figure it out the way along. just love. i tink i will do that.
i am no longer the lost and confused and hurt. these 8 months have been a roller coaster ride. i have grown up pretty much in these few months. i had a lot more time to think about things, talk to people and decide my own path in life. i just wanna out certain things in perspective i guess. its like im no longer that focused passionate girl i used to be. things in life bore me easily. somehow, he said that i've grown up. if being grown up feels like that, i don't tink i wanna grow up. it sucks. i cannot feel that much passion anymore but i want to. its like i've become so numb and many things are not within reach of me
i wish i could decide my own future. yes i could prob do that but nothing can stop destiny or fate. things happen and it becomes very unexpected. i cannot do anything to stop it. i can only take it as it comes. that part is probably the exciting , yet dreary one.
for these 8 months, i have experienced a death of a friend. i carry a card of her in my wallet. to remind me of the lessons she taught me, albeit a painful one. i probably regret the thoughts that i have thought yet thankful i din do the things i would do. its been about 6 months since she's gone. i remember tearing up the next day after her wake. i din know what sort of impact she would be making on me. till this day, i still miss her and think about her occasionaly. i wonder where she is and i really hope she's doing well. i want to tell her im surviving in this crazy mixed up world . and as for her, i hoped she had found her heaven.
i did a lot of theatre too for the last few months. its has been helluva ride. i got to explore more as a performer and really would want to further my crdentials in terms of theatre. its probably what keeps me alive, gives me the only burning passion in my life. theatre has saved me. in many ways that i love. i have made amazing friends, learn a lot of lessons and enjoyed myself.
i found love too recently. i never thought i would be able to walk out of the shadow but im starting to make that step. i din know how i fell in love with him, it just hit us. at first, i really didnt know whether i should be in the relationship with him and honestly, i still feel it occasionally now. its been only a month. but this month has been really amazing. we're just starting to know each other and i really dont want it to be like last time. i dun wanna falter like a coward. i dun wanna retreat everytime i see a problem coming. i dun wanna be paranoid. i dunoe how easy or difficult this relationship is going to be or how i am going to maintain it. is it worth getting into a relationship? what is the point of getting into a relationship? to feed that lonely soul of yours? to desire that touch, to experience that shudder of desire , to feel your heart beating for the person? i dont wanna be a selfish lover and i dont want him to be either. sometimes i wish so much for this work out and we would have a wonderful future together, sometimes, i just dont know if this relationship is gonna continue the way it is. we're in what people like to call the honeymoon phase. once this is over, how are things gonna change? i;m very scared of it. i don't want it to be just a short stint. just someone to tide me over this transition. i want him to be there with me, sharing a part of our lives together. eventually how we will turn out, i would really hate to think about it.
do i love him? i tink i do. how do you determine whether you love a person? is it biological, physical or emotional? or these 3 factors play a part. somebody tell me please. im really confused and i know that he loves me deep from his heart. deep or not im not really sure and its too short a time to love someone deeply in just a month. so i wouldnt see it as a problem if its not deep yet. for me? im not sure if its deep yet. i know i do love him. i wanna be there for him in his life and he cares a lot for me. i tink about him all the time and i believe he too. so is this what love is about? and physically, we cant get enough of each other. theres a lot of physical loving going on. is it right? and i dont even know if i should keep pushing my physical boundaries with him. im scared that i will go too far. there's a monster inside me i believe, waiting to be unleashed. when i unleashed it onto him, i dont want him to be too scared. in a physical and emotional sense. i know he has a inner monster too. and i dont know how to handle it. i have too many questions now.
guess the only while is to grapple with it and figure it out the way along. just love. i tink i will do that.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Leap of Faith
leap of faith by michelle branch. its a beautiful song :)
One less call to answer,
feeling full of despair,
don't think I can get through it,
just one last prayer.
*And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
oh,and when I call out to you,will you be right there,right there.
Searching for the answer,
nobody seems to care,
Oh how I wish that you were here,beside me,to wipe away my tears.
*And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares, o
h,and when I call out to you,will you be right there,right there.
Waiting for the answer,
remembering times we would share,
somehow I feel you here beside me,even though your not there.
*And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
oh,and when I call out to you,will you be right there-
[Bridge:]Right there---And I'll be waiting by the window for your smile to come through,
and I'll be waiting in the darkness when I call out to you,
and I'll remember when you told me,
I could trust in you-
*And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
oh,and when I call out to you,
will you be right there-
It's a leap of faith,
and I believe that you are out there,
it's a leap of faith and I believe you truly care,
oh,and when I call out to you,
I know you'll be right there,
right there,
and it's a leap of faith.
One less call to answer,
feeling full of despair,
don't think I can get through it,
just one last prayer.
*And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
oh,and when I call out to you,will you be right there,right there.
Searching for the answer,
nobody seems to care,
Oh how I wish that you were here,beside me,to wipe away my tears.
*And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares, o
h,and when I call out to you,will you be right there,right there.
Waiting for the answer,
remembering times we would share,
somehow I feel you here beside me,even though your not there.
*And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
oh,and when I call out to you,will you be right there-
[Bridge:]Right there---And I'll be waiting by the window for your smile to come through,
and I'll be waiting in the darkness when I call out to you,
and I'll remember when you told me,
I could trust in you-
*And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
oh,and when I call out to you,
will you be right there-
It's a leap of faith,
and I believe that you are out there,
it's a leap of faith and I believe you truly care,
oh,and when I call out to you,
I know you'll be right there,
right there,
and it's a leap of faith.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
things i shouldnt know 2
now that i have expressed it in poem form. i should do it in prose form. haha. i guess if you're reading this, good for you, you found me.
anyway. this blog will prob be more for expressing myself. maybe im gonna start writing poems and prose work here. so stay tuned if you're interested. i am probably gonne publish one of my stories here n there. i love writing. :)
anyway it was about finding things i shouldnt know early in the morning. i know that i need to find a release, i need to find a way out. i know i need to survive. the lake water didnt make me feel too good. well, which lake water doesnt? the boar is a monster. no i shant call it a monster. it didnt know better. i am so lost, confused and scared. i need to get away from the boar you know.
anyway. this blog will prob be more for expressing myself. maybe im gonna start writing poems and prose work here. so stay tuned if you're interested. i am probably gonne publish one of my stories here n there. i love writing. :)
anyway it was about finding things i shouldnt know early in the morning. i know that i need to find a release, i need to find a way out. i know i need to survive. the lake water didnt make me feel too good. well, which lake water doesnt? the boar is a monster. no i shant call it a monster. it didnt know better. i am so lost, confused and scared. i need to get away from the boar you know.
things i shouldnt know
curiosity got the better of me
my heart pumped quickly
afraid of anything not meant to be
when the words flowed smoothly
i felt the boar's trotters step on me
no, my heart
an urge to dart
i always knew
that its jungle world wasnt meant to broken
down by me
but
the words broke and flowed
the words broke and flowed
step, step, step, step
the lake's water
got to my eyes
i could feel the movement
but not stop it.
and i call it
things i shouldnt know
and i call it
a compass to guide me out of the forest
my heart pumped quickly
afraid of anything not meant to be
when the words flowed smoothly
i felt the boar's trotters step on me
no, my heart
an urge to dart
i always knew
that its jungle world wasnt meant to broken
down by me
but
the words broke and flowed
the words broke and flowed
step, step, step, step
the lake's water
got to my eyes
i could feel the movement
but not stop it.
and i call it
things i shouldnt know
and i call it
a compass to guide me out of the forest
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