8 months

its been about 8 months since i have written in. time flies so fast. its really a blink of an eye. i dunoe whose following this blog or will chance upon it.

i am no longer the lost and confused and hurt. these 8 months have been a roller coaster ride. i have grown up pretty much in these few months. i had a lot more time to think about things, talk to people and decide my own path in life. i just wanna out certain things in perspective i guess. its like im no longer that focused passionate girl i used to be. things in life bore me easily. somehow, he said that i've grown up. if being grown up feels like that, i don't tink i wanna grow up. it sucks. i cannot feel that much passion anymore but i want to. its like i've become so numb and many things are not within reach of me

i wish i could decide my own future. yes i could prob do that but nothing can stop destiny or fate. things happen and it becomes very unexpected. i cannot do anything to stop it. i can only take it as it comes. that part is probably the exciting , yet dreary one.

for these 8 months, i have experienced a death of a friend. i carry a card of her in my wallet. to remind me of the lessons she taught me, albeit a painful one. i probably regret the thoughts that i have thought yet thankful i din do the things i would do. its been about 6 months since she's gone. i remember tearing up the next day after her wake. i din know what sort of impact she would be making on me. till this day, i still miss her and think about her occasionaly. i wonder where she is and i really hope she's doing well. i want to tell her im surviving in this crazy mixed up world . and as for her, i hoped she had found her heaven.

i did a lot of theatre too for the last few months. its has been helluva ride. i got to explore more as a performer and really would want to further my crdentials in terms of theatre. its probably what keeps me alive, gives me the only burning passion in my life. theatre has saved me. in many ways that i love. i have made amazing friends, learn a lot of lessons and enjoyed myself.

i found love too recently. i never thought i would be able to walk out of the shadow but im starting to make that step. i din know how i fell in love with him, it just hit us. at first, i really didnt know whether i should be in the relationship with him and honestly, i still feel it occasionally now. its been only a month. but this month has been really amazing. we're just starting to know each other and i really dont want it to be like last time. i dun wanna falter like a coward. i dun wanna retreat everytime i see a problem coming. i dun wanna be paranoid. i dunoe how easy or difficult this relationship is going to be or how i am going to maintain it. is it worth getting into a relationship? what is the point of getting into a relationship? to feed that lonely soul of yours? to desire that touch, to experience that shudder of desire , to feel your heart beating for the person? i dont wanna be a selfish lover and i dont want him to be either. sometimes i wish so much for this work out and we would have a wonderful future together, sometimes, i just dont know if this relationship is gonna continue the way it is. we're in what people like to call the honeymoon phase. once this is over, how are things gonna change? i;m very scared of it. i don't want it to be just a short stint. just someone to tide me over this transition. i want him to be there with me, sharing a part of our lives together. eventually how we will turn out, i would really hate to think about it.

do i love him? i tink i do. how do you determine whether you love a person? is it biological, physical or emotional? or these 3 factors play a part. somebody tell me please. im really confused and i know that he loves me deep from his heart. deep or not im not really sure and its too short a time to love someone deeply in just a month. so i wouldnt see it as a problem if its not deep yet. for me? im not sure if its deep yet. i know i do love him. i wanna be there for him in his life and he cares a lot for me. i tink about him all the time and i believe he too. so is this what love is about? and physically, we cant get enough of each other. theres a lot of physical loving going on. is it right? and i dont even know if i should keep pushing my physical boundaries with him. im scared that i will go too far. there's a monster inside me i believe, waiting to be unleashed. when i unleashed it onto him, i dont want him to be too scared. in a physical and emotional sense. i know he has a inner monster too. and i dont know how to handle it. i have too many questions now.

guess the only while is to grapple with it and figure it out the way along. just love. i tink i will do that.